WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
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Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
my dog when i have a friend over
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
My inexpensive home security system…
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭