Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset