If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation