Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where