my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.