If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
#NeverForget
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not