GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me irl
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about