Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
my mind
You just read my mind
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.