Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
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*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat