*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
You Might Also Like
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.