Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them