Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
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Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.