6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
You Might Also Like
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed