Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Cheer up.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”