who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Friday
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.