Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.