I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I think about this a lot
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.