There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.