Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm