Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
the clam before the storm
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
This guy’s not having it 😆
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone