I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
You Might Also Like
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?