Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics