ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
You Might Also Like
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
i prefer mine room temperature.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved