A classic example of a cat being a cat.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Same post same
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I only treason on days ending in y
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this