It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
and this one
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer