I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
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Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*