Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.