*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
$3 #books
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Feels
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try