I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Trying
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed