My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
very niche meme I made
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Hot Hot Hot
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.