Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Breaking news:
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.