Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE