I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Breaking news:
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Close call…
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”