With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present