Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My what?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman