My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
TEETH IS INNOCENT
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
BETRAYAL
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.