Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married