Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Seems legit
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil