Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
You Might Also Like
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey