The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
listen closely
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Only short people can save us
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for