Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.