Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.