I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.