*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
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*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Thoughts
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond