MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
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Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Day 2 of my diet
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps