Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]