Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
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Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second