interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Don’t tell me what to do
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”