Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You Might Also Like
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*