[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
welp
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.